Why am i being treated different to his ex wife? who is right me or him?

Maybe after being with you for so long he has wised up and doesn't want to be taken down that route again. I think you are wrong in comparing his past relationship with his ex to your current relationship. He may have put up with it because he was stressed and didnt have the will power he has now. Honestly with the economy so bad right now he is probably concerned on how it will affect your familys cost of living. I personally had ADHD as a child but unlike you son i wasn't violent i was SUPER hyper. So i understand how hard it can be my mother was a single parent and all 3 of us had the condition except the middle child (my brother) had ADD and he was the violent one. So it was hard. I think you need to stop focusing on his "fat ex wife/cow" and grow up name calling isn't going to get you guys any were except maybe to courts with a divorce. So i think you need to knock that crap off. Second even though your child is difficult you can't give into him. By all mean do what you have to, to control him but don't show him your giving in by changing normal routine just to accomidate him cause it can only give a child like that more power. I think you guys need to sit down a really talk it over cause it sounds like your living in the past seriously. I mean my husbands ex is a lot of things negative but for the sake of the kids i keep my mouth shut and also for my husbands piece of mind. I just worry about our family and never compare myself to her or ask him why it was ok for her and not me because deep down i know i have qualitys more ideal then what she had to offer which is why we are married soo yeah!